


You're All I Want

by eversinceniall



Category: Bring Me The Horizon, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Cuddling, Drunken Confessions, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Infidelity, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Polyamory, Rejection, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, lol cuddling is such a sweet thing and this fic is anything but, read this if you want to hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 19:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12175419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: kellin and vic are best friends. kellin is in a polyamorous relationship with oli and josh and vic is pining after him. also includes; alcohol and poor choices.+ written entirely in lowercase +





	You're All I Want

kellin slides into bed with him late that night. vic is sleepy and he can barely keep his eyes open but he forces them not to shut just so he can get a glimpse of the black haired boy laying beside him.

kellin smiles softly at him. he reaches his hand out, his fingertips grazing against vic's forearm. the touch is soothing and vic feels his eyes start to slip closed.

"missed you." vic says.

he can almost hear the smile on kellin's face. "missed you, too."

vic sighs and cuddles himself close to kellin, allowing their legs to intertwine. he wraps his arm around kellin's slim waist, and lets his fingers dip into the waistband of kellin's pajama pants, skimming across the smooth skin of his hipbone. it's not the sort of thing friends usually do, but this - this is them. not friends, not lovers.

kellin lets out a sound of contentment and leans into his touch. "sorry i wasn't here. I wanted to be."

"i know." vic pauses. "how is oli?"

there's a twinge of annoyance in kellin's voice when he replies. "fine. just fine. I don't know why you bother asking."

"because he means something to you." vic says and pretends that's the only reason.

"well of course he does. he is my boyfriend after all."

vic feels that familiar twinge of pain in his chest, and takes a deep breath, lets it fade away until it's just a dull ache. "and how is josh, his husband?" he knows it's cruel, the way he feels the need to emphasis on the fact that oli has a husband, but. it's whatever.

it's always whatever. even when it's not.

"great. if you must know, he fucked me while oli watched earlier today." kellin says, his voice as cruel as vic's was. he knows vic is jealous, doesn't like oli, nor josh.

vic winces, and pulls himself away from kellin's side. it feels dirty and wrong to hold kellin the way oli and josh held him just a few hours ago. he feels his heart constrict and the ache in his chest comes back full force.

"god," he says, drawing in a harsh breath. "i didn't need to know that. i didn't want to know that."

kellin laughs like it's no big deal, his eyes crinkling in the corners. "silly. you asked."

"i asked how josh was. not if you fucked."

"well, do you want to know how it was?" kellin asks, raising an eyebrow knowingly.

vic gulps. his throat feels rough and his tongue heavy in his mouth. he doesn't want to know, not really. but he can't lie and say there's not that morbid part of him deep down inside that wants to know exactly what goes on behind closed doors.

"okay." he says finally, making the rash decision to just say yes, and worry about the consequences later.

kellin smiles. "this is a first. but since you wanna know, i'll tell you. so, this wasn't like the first time oli, josh, and i did this. but it was incredibly hot. oli really likes to watch. he was jealous at first, but now he's cool with josh touching me. he likes to sit over in the corner and watch as josh fucks me doggy style. he's pretty rough, but it's cool. sometimes, he leaves bruises on my hips but they're never too bad. i sort of like it."

vic nods along to what kellin is saying. he's still not as close as he was before, and he's glad he's not. he needs the space right now, and it wouldn't be a good thing if he was pressed right up against kellin's side while he talks about this kind of stuff.

vic wishes he had more of a chance to sort out his feelings. or more specifically, how he feels about the things kellin is telling him. there's this part of him that's so fucking turned on right now. and it's not at the thought of josh fucking kellin or oli and kellin together. it's just at the thought of kellin getting fucked in general. being so turned on makes him feel guilty, especially because he knows kellin is committed to oli.

but he can't help it. he can't stop the thoughts. kellin is right there next to him, looking at him, and waiting for him to say something. yet all he can think about is kellin's cheeks flushed, the little whimpers vic imagines he would make as someone bit his neck, and trailed their hand into his boxers. vic wants so badly to be that someone.

"that's, um, cool." he says. he's not usually so weird when they're talking about their sex lives, and he hopes kellin doesn't get suspicious. vic doubts he will, though. kellin never catches on. vic hasn't decided whether that's a good or bad thing yet.

"i feel like there's more you want to say." kellin says, though his statement comes out as more of a question.

"it's just. you're not into josh, right? i thought we like - established this already. so why do you have sex with josh, too?" vic asks.

kellin is silent for a moment before he speaks. "you're right. i'm not really attracted to josh at all. but i do like him in a completely platonic way, and i know he's into me. he loves oli course, but he does find me attractive, and i know he loves me too. at first I was hesitant about having sex with him, especially when he has feelings for me but then I just figured, why not? we came to the mutual agreement that it wasn't really fair to josh for oli to have this pretty little boyfriend who he got to fool around with, but whom josh couldn't touch. i guess i don't really mind the whole arrangement either. i know it makes them happy, and for the most part, i'm happy, too."

"wow." vic breathes out. "so you just do it because you know it makes him happy?"

kellin nods. "pretty much."

vic sits up then, and pulls his knees up against his chest, resting his arms on them. kellin is still laying down, watching him with more awake eyes than before.

"so..." vic doesn't mean for the words to slip out, but they do, so fast he can barely control it. "does that mean if i asked, you'd do the same with me?"

kellin barely blinks, hardly looks affected or surprised by vic's words at all. he so calm, and so okay with his best friend's question. and meanwhile, vic's stomach is jumping with nerves.

"do you want that?" kellin asks, looking into vic's eyes.

vic is quick to shake his head. "no, no, no, that's not what i meant. I was just asking. hypothetically." he rushes out.

"well," kellin says. "I love you. very much. and so yes, i would."

vic lies back down next to kellin and gets under the covers. it's dark but he can still see his kellin's face because of the moonlight shining in through the window where he forgot to pull the curtains closed.

his head is a mess right now. all he can think about is how kellin said, yes, he would. he would have sex with vic if that were what he wanted. kellin is too nice, is what vic thinks. far too kind.

vic is cold, so he pulls the blankets up to his chin and stretches out on his back. it's comforting, but at the same time it isn't, because when he's in this position he can't look at kellin's face when they talk. vic isn't sure if he wants to. not when his stomach is in knots like it is right now.

"okay." vic whispers in response finally.

"okay what?" kellin asks from beside him.

"i don't know, i'm just - i'm tired, kells."

"get some sleep, vic."

vic nods his head because he doesn't feel like talking anymore.

"i love you."

vic's stomach jumps. "i love you, too."

he closes his eyes and doesn't fall asleep for at least another hour, even when he can hear kellin's breathing even out as he dozes off. vic can't stop thinking.

>>>

jaime isn't good at relationships. he's a cheater, and he has issues too deep for vic to understand or even try to fix.

but he is a good person for the most part, though he hurt vic pretty badly emotionally. he did love jaime, after all, but he still considers him one of his best friends.

you're supposed to hate your exes, and maybe vic did hate him at one point after their breakup, but it didn't last very long.

jaime is a dick, but he's also hard to hold a grudge against. he's too friendly, too charismatic to hate.

"nice to see you too." he says as vic pushes past him into his apartment and throws himself down on the sofa.

"where's tony?" vic asks, looking around like the aforementioned will appear out of nowhere.

every week or so, jaime, tony, kellin, and vic will get together at jaime's house just to catch up and hangout. it's been a tradition for as long as vic can remember.

"he couldn't make it. Where's kellin?"

"stupid oli and josh invited him out last minute, and he went. his lovers come first, of course."

It's been two weeks since vic and kellin had their awkward conversation in vic's bedroom, and it's only been a couple hours since kellin left to catch his plane, but vic misses him more than anything. it seems like nowadays vic hardly sees him. a week here, a week there, and then kellin is off to see oli again.

that's one of the worst things about kellin meeting someone online. since they're not local, he has to fly over to see them. and of course, kellin snatched up a guy with money to spend.

"so i guess it's just you and i then." jaime says. his hair is all spiky and his eyes as pretty as ever. he's beautiful, vic can admit that much. when he looks at jaime he understands why he dated him.

still, the thought of having to spend a few hours with him alone makes vic shift uncomfortably.

vic sighs. "how wonderful."

"i'm beginning to suspect you don't like me." jaime says in a teasing way, a small smile stretching across his lips.

"well," vic says, "you did cheat on me multiple times, so. would it really be that hard to believe it if i didn't like you?"

his face falls, and vic feels a pang of guilt. "well, shit. you know i'm sorry about that. i really did love-"

"yeah." vic cuts him off. he doesn't want to hear jaime say it. some things are better left unsaid, and this is one of them. it would ache too much to hear him say how he really had loved vic so, mostly because it would be past tense. and even though he doesn't want jaime anymore, doesn't love him the way he used to, hearing jaime say he used to love him still makes vic's chest tighten. "i know you did. i'm just in a really shitty mood." which, isn't exactly a lie.

jaime sits down on the sofa next to him. there's a gaping space between them and vic feels comfort in that. distance is good. distance is safe, and secure. with kellin, there is never any space between them, at least not when kellin is actually here. they're attached at the hip every moment they spend together, and maybe that's why nothing is safe anymore. specifically, vic's feelings.

"what happened?" jaime asks. "is it kellin?"

it's funny, really, how he can guess the issue in a split second. vic isn't sure if that's a good thing. is it really that obvious how he feels about kellin? it's not like he's often upset with kellin - because he's not. he's never mad at his kells, not even now.

but still, vic nods. "of course. its always kellin."

"what did he do?"

"nothing. kellin is just... kellin, and somehow that itself fucks me up more than anything else."

"is it because he's with oli and not you?' jaime asks with that knowing tilt of his lips.

"you don't know anything."

"i know you feel more for kellin than you'll ever let on, and that's a problem."

vic's heart beats faster. "how would you know that?" everything feels a little more real suddenly.

"because i know you. and even when we were together, i knew your mind was on him."

"i loved you." vic says defensively.

"i know and i don't doubt that at all but. even when you loved me, you loved kellin too. more."

vic opens his mouth but nothing comes out. he doesn't know what to say. he wants to deny jaime's claims and tell him he's wrong, but he can't.

maybe that's because, really, he knows deep down jaime is right. he's always loved kellin, maybe even all the way back in high school.

but for vic, it's never been something that he's felt the need to think about. kellin is his best friend, and vic never felt jealous when he dated around in high school. vic himself used to date, too, and he never wanted to be with someone else - like kellin -when he was in a relationship.

sometimes though, they'd be watching old cartoons while cuddling in kellin's bed, and vic would get these urges.

an urge to tug kellin closer, to kiss him softly, the kind of kiss he knew kellin had been searching for but could never find in any of his failed relationships. and it wasn't just purely sexual either. vic wanted so much more. he wanted to brush kellin's hair out of his eyes and study his face until he could never forget it.

moments like those were what made vic begin to question his sexuality and finally come to terms with being gay. But even then, vic never thought too much about the way he felt about kellin.

until recently.

"i think ... i think you're right." vic says, leaning back into the cushions.

"of course I am." jaime says with a smirk.

vic rolls his eyes. he loves kellin, okay, but what does he do now? does he tell kellin the truth? that doesn't even feel like an option.

the last thing he wants to do is ruin kellin's relationship with oli and josh. regardless of vic's feelings, kellin is finally, truly happy, and vic doesn't think he has the nerve to take that away from him.

really, who is he to just spring it on kellin so suddenly? and what would he say, anyway? "oh, hey, we've been best friends since we were thirteen and i'm totally gay for you?" yeah, no, not a good idea.

"wanna get wasted?" jaime asks suddenly, because obviously alcohol is the solution to everything. maybe for him, it is.

"where the hell did that come from?" vic asks, with no real malice.

"alcohol numbs the pain." jaime says. "i know how bad it hurts to love someone the way you love kellin. and i know deep down you're upset that you can't have him, even though you pretend it doesn't affect you. alcohol makes it a little better. just like it numbed the pain of losing you."

vic gulps. 'you moved on fast, jaime.'

he looks away. "maybe i was just pretending to."

vic is at a loss for words, so he stands up. "alcohol it is then."

>>>

jaime is kissing him. he's propping himself up on his elbows as his body hovers over vic's.

vic's hands are in his hair, twisting and tangling. jaime's mouth is warm, and familiar. vic wants to say he's missed it, but he hasn't. he can feel the desperation in the way jaime kisses him. and that scares him. it scares vic how much jaime wants him.

he keeps his eyes closed and tries to focus on the way jaime's lips move against his. but then that's ruined by the sound of his phone ringing on the table beside his bed, and vic pushing jaime off him, because all he can think about in his drunken state is how that might be kellin calling.

it's not. it's not kellin. it's just some random number he doesn't recognize, numbers that are blurred by the alcohol in his system.

"vic?" jaime asks, but his voice sounds far, far away.

"huh?" he hears himself say.

"are you okay?"

he nods absently, because it's all he can do.

"who was it that called?"

"i don't know." he says with a bitter laugh as he shifts towards jaime on the bed. "but it wasn't him."

"wasn't who?" he asks, and then. "kellin?"

"i wanted it to be him."

jaime gives him this look of pure sympathy. "i'm sorry."

vic feels like his chest is hollow and stares at the black and white fabric of jaime's sheets. "why wasn't it him?"

"maybe you should call him."

for some reason that sounds like the best idea he's ever heard in all nineteen years of his life, and so without a second thought, he's picking his phone up from where he threw it on the bed, and dialing kellin's number.

kellin answers on the third ring.

"hello?"

"kellin." vic sighs.

"vic? are you okay? why are you calling so late?" kellin asks. he sounds tired, and worried.

"i missed you."

kellin laughs, and that strikes something in vic's chest.

"are you drunk?"

"a little." vic lies. "what are you doing?"

"i was sleeping."

in the background, vic hears a voice. a voice he instantly recognizes as oli's, asking kellin who he's talking to. for some reason, that makes vic angry.

"kellin." he says suddenly, rashly. "i have something to tell you."

out of the corner of his eye, he sees jaime's eyes widen. jaime shakes his head no, and mouths that it isn't a good idea. it's funny how he seems to know what vic about to say before he does.

jaime tries to grab the phone from him, but vic moves away.

"what is it?" kellin asks, sounding distracted.

"the truth is, i'm so, so in love with you, and it's killing me." he says with a gasp. maybe he's too drunk to know what the fuck he's doing, but he knows he's made a mistake.

there's silence on the other end. deafening silence.

and then.

"vic..." kellin trails off.

"kellin." vic whispers, tearing up. "i love you. i'm so sorry. i didn't mean for it to happen. it just did. it just did. and it... it hurts so bad... that i love you."

"vic." he says, sounding choked. "vic, i have to go."

then he hangs up.

and vic knows there's no turning back.

he lets his phone fall onto the bed. the second he blinks, tears fall from his eyelashes and splatter onto the blankets. there's a noise, a gut wrenching sob, and it takes him a moment to realize it's him, that the noise is coming from his mouth.

jaime hugs him. vic can do nothing but cry into his shoulder like his life depends on it.

"i feel like i'm dying." he says, putting his hand on his chest. it's never hurt this bad. it's like his heart is suffocating, and gasping for air.

all he knows is. he wants to sleep, and never wake up.

>>>

a day goes by.

kellin doesn't text or call, which is a big deal, considering kellin usually can't go an hour without texting vic some stupid text or another, or sometimes just a simple 'miss you.'

vic pretends he didn't make the biggest mistake of his life.

>>>

a week goes by.

vic doesn't have the guts to send kellin a text. even the thought of sending him a 'hey' gives vic anxiety and makes his hands shake.

he doesn't bother to pretend he's okay anymore.

>>>

two weeks go by.

vic's doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find kellin standing there.

"vic." kellin breathes. and then he throws his arms around vic's neck, jumping up and wrapping his legs around vic's waist.

tears well up in his eyes out of pure relief. god, he was so afraid. terrified that kellin hated his guts.

"i love you." vic says as he buries his face into kellin's neck. he doesn't even mean it in the romantic sense right now. the thing is, he loves kellin in every possible way there is to love someone. in every shape and form.

without kellin, there is no sun, there is no moon. without kellin, there is nothing right.

>>>

"kellin." he says once they're inside. he knows they have to talk about what happened. about what he said on the phone at one am two weeks ago.

"hmm?" kellin asks, rummaging through vic's cupboards.

vic places his hands on kellin's shoulders and spins him around to face him. "we need to talk."

he makes that face vic adores, scrunching his nose up. "do we?"

"yeah. we do."

"vic. i know what this is about," he says, "and i just wanted to say, we all say stupid things we don't mean to when we're drunk."

"kel-"

kellin places his finger over vic's lips. "shhh." he stares into vic's eyes. "i understand. you don't have to explain. we're okay."

 **you might be okay, but i'm not,**  vic thinks,  **you don't understand anything. i need to explain. i was drunk, but it wasn't a mistake. i love you.**

>>>

everything goes back to normal after that. vic goes back to pretending his feelings are nonexistent. it shouldn't be hard to hold in, because it never was before. but now that vic has actually said it, let the words be known to another person, to kellin, he wants to shout 'I love you' until his throat is raw.

it hurts how easily kellin can act like that night never happened. but honestly, vic knew not to expect much. kellin has oli and josh. he doesn't need vic the way vic needs him. and that's not okay, it really isn't. but vic pretends it is, just like he pretends with everything else.

kellin's got a pattern. two weeks with oli and josh, and then back to michigan for two weeks with vic. it feels like joint custody and kellin is his child, being passed back and forth between the parents. luckily that's not the actual scenario, because it would be pretty weird if vic was in love with his child.

almost exactly two weeks after kellin has departed to oli's house again, vic gets a phone call.

it's kellin and when vic answers it, he sounds upset, like he's been crying.

"what's wrong?" vic asks immediately. he'd been in the middle of a workout, but he would stop time and space for kellin.

"i can't- i'm on my way over."

"what? i thought you were with oli and josh. you didn't tell me you were come back today."

"i didn't know. it was a last minute decision."

"kellin-" vic starts.

"i need you." is all kellin says. "i'll be there soon."

he hangs up before vic can respond.

>>>

not even ten minutes later, there's a knock on vic's door. it's kellin, of course, and the second vic opens it, kellin is on him.

it reminds vic of a few weeks ago when kellin jumped into his arms. except, this time, kellin's face is tear streaked and his eyes bloodshot.

he closes the door with kellin still attached to his arm and leads him over to the couch.

"what happened?" vic asks calmly. he's always the calm one, the rational one, and he's tired of the title.

kellin is impulsive. vic wishes he could be more like him in certain aspects. though, if there's one thing they share, it's getting their hearts broken.

"oli. he fucking hates me."

again? vic wants to say, but doesn't. oli is always getting upset over one thing or another.

"what happened this time?"

kellin sighs, and squeezes vic's hand. "he thinks i like josh. no, he thinks i'm like, in love with him, and that i'm only with him to get to josh."

"that's bullshit." vic says, because it is, and that's undeniable. all kellin has been to oli is faithful, from the very start.

"i know." kellin says, his voice trembling. "he broke up with me. he wouldn't believe me. he's so paranoid and once he has an idea in his head, he refuses to believe otherwise. but i don't want to lose him."

"i'm sorry." vic says softly. he rubs his thumb across the back of kellin's hand. "but stuff like this has happened before. he'll get over it."

"i hope you're right." kellin says and sighs, looking down. "i just want someone to love me. you know? unconditionally."

vic doesn't know what it is; maybe it's how sad kellin looks, the expression on his face one of absolute belief that no one is ever going to love him like that. or maybe it's vic's desire to just tell him, face to face, but.

"kellin." he says. he tilts kellin's chin up with his index and middle finger, so that the black haired boy is looking him straight in the eyes. "i love you. unconditionally. i always have. to me, there will never be another you, because no one can compare to you. and no one loves you as much as i do."

kellin stares into his eyes intensely, and vic sees a flicker of emotion that she can't decipher.

he wants to apologize. he knows this isn't the time for him to confess his love for kellin, especially when the boy is so upset. but he can't bring himself to take the words back, not when they're true, not when he's finally said them. and then, even if he were to try to, he doesn't get the chance.

kellin's looking into his eyes one second, and the next, his hands are on vic's cheeks and his lips pressed against vic's.

vic is so surprised he wants to pull away, but when he goes to, kellin tightens his grip, keeping him in place. and honestly, vic is happy kellin didn't let him ruin this perfect moment.

he falls back into the couch cushions, and kellin follows, sitting on his lap, straddling him. kellin looks down at him, and vic just stares back, his breathing a little labored, because shit, this is really happening and it's a concept he can barely grasp.

kellin is so beautiful and vic's heart is pounding so hard he can hardly breathe.

kellin blinks slowly, and then, seemingly making a decision, he leans in and presses his soft plush lips against vic's once more.

vic's hand goes to his waist, holding him in place, and the other goes up to kellin's head, feeling the harsh dead ends of his overdyed hair.

"shit, i fucking love you." vic whimpers when kellin sucks a hickey into his neck. he feels kellin freeze, and worries he might have fucked everything up, but then kellin pulls away to look at him.

"i know. no one loves me the way you do." he says and his eyes are so sad that they make vic uneasy.

kellin kisses him again, takes his clothes off one by one, and then tears vic's off, too.

he feels so bare, stripped of his clothes, and maybe a little embarrassed, to be naked in front of kellin. but not self conscious. never self conscious.

it's not like this is the first time they've seen one another without any clothes on, but this is different.

it's not just friendship now. kellin's eyes linger with delicate interest.

vic's eyes wander up and down kellin's body. his thick thighs, pale skin and curvaceous figure.

his body is so perfect. it hurts to think that oli and josh have the privilege to see him like this whenever they want.

but vic doesn't want to think about that right now.

he steps forward, and presses his body against kellin's, until he can feel every inch of their bodies touching. kellin watches him, eyes filled with intensity.

they make love that night. or at least in vic's mind that's what they're doing. he doesn't know how kellin feels, but by the noises he makes when vic's buried deep inside him, he'd say good.

he's scared of what kellin will do in the morning, if he'll run away, or if maybe, just maybe, he'll love vic back. but regardless of his worries about the next day, at that moment, vic's chest feels light, admiring kellin's naked body lying next to his, knowing he's finally touched the untouchable.

>>>

if there's one thing vic has learned in his nineteen years of being alive, it's that things never go as planned.

maybe vic was stupid to think that things would be different with kellin the next morning, or perhaps he was just naive and hopeful.

either way, it was a mistake.

when he wakes up, kellin is already fully clothed and wide awake, sitting on the edge of the bed beside him.

"hey." vic says and smiles, to alert kellin that he's awake.

kellin sets his phone down and gives vic his full attention. "so. i think we need to talk."

a sense of dread washes over vic. he knows those words are never good.

"okay." he says, keeping himself calm. he sits up and crosses his legs. "what is it?"

kellin looks down, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks, and then he looks up, and smiles sad and sympathetically the way everyone else does when they're about to break your heart.

"last night was a mistake."

sinking disappointment crashes down on vic, leaving him with the sense of being out of place, or out of touch with reality. it's like being in the middle of the ocean, and waves go over your head and you break the water feeling disoriented and overwhelmed before you catch your breath and remember where you are.

"what?" he asks. not because he didn't hear kellin, but because he doesn't know what else to say.

"i'm sorry." kellin says. "i'm so sorry, but you know i love oli, and i just... i don't feel that way about you, vic."

maybe kellin means what he says, and maybe that's a sincere apology, but vic doesn't know and his head is fucking swimming.

how can kellin do this to him? he's supposed to be kellin's best friend, but a best friend doesn't do this. a best friend doesn't break your heart.

"I don't love you, vic. not like that. you're my best friend." kellin finishes.

have you ever felt numb, like you're not entirely in control of your body? where your arms are hanging at your sides, like dead weights being pulled to the ground, and with every movement you make, you feel yourself sink a little further into the ground?

have you ever felt your lips move, know what you shouldn't say before you say it, but you can't control the words that come out? have you ever felt like you're not really you?

but if you're not you, then who are you? if there's one person vic could choose to be, it would be anyone else but himself. anywhere else but here.

that's the only way vic can even begin to describe how he feels right now.

"are you - are you serious?" vic asks. all he can focus on is the hurt and betrayal pumping through his veins. "you love oli?"

"you know i do." kellin says timidly.

"you love oli. but last night you had sex with me. why would you do that? if you love oli so much, why would you sleep with me?"

"i was vulnerable last night. oli broke up with me! i needed your comfort, not a confession of your undying love for me!" kellin shouts back.

kellin's mocking words cut into vic like knives. "when did i ever volunteer to be your fucking love counselor? when did i ever ask to hear all about your fucking problems? as far as i know, i didn't! you came to me, upset, and feeling unloved. all i did was tell you i love you, because i do. i didn't kiss you, kellin, you kissed me!"

"you took advantage of my vulnerable state! you manipulated me when i was feeling low into thinking you were the only person who would ever loved me! and you know what, vic? i fucking tell you about my problems because you're supposed to be my best friend!"

"i manipulated you?" vic asks, outraged as he paces the room. "i took advantage of you? you have to be fucking joking. i assured you. that's what i was trying to do. i was trying to assure you that someone did love you. you didn't have to kiss me, kellin, and you didn't have to fuck me, either! you could have stopped at any point, but you didn't! it's just as much your fault as it is mine."

"i couldn't just stop. did you ever think that maybe i had sex with you because i feel bad for you?" kellin spits venomously.

"what?" vic stops in his tracks as he turns to stare at kellin, feeling his heart crack in two.

"i pity you." kellin says. "i pity you and your hopeless little crush. it's pathetic."

vic's heart sinks down into the pit of his stomach as he stares at his best friend, who he can barely recognize now. "at least i'm not a fucking whore."

he watches as kellin's eyes widen, and then return to normal. he feels a hint of regret, because, that was a low fucking blow, but it's not enough to make him apologize, and he's still so so hurt by what kellin said.

kellin's eyes get darker, and the next words to come out of his mouth are the worst yet. "a whore? really, vic? we both know you're just spitting out bullshit now. i'm not the one who was in a relationship while i was in love with my best friend."

'w-what?"

"you think i didn't know?" kellin asks, leaning forward. "i mean, that's the reason jaime cheated on you, right? because you were too busy making googly eyes at me? i've been dying to ask you, vic; when you and jaime fucked, were you thinking of me?"

vic feels his stomach lurch into his throat. he swallows down the bile that rises up, and blinks, feeling the tears stuck to his lashes. "you knew?"

kellin rolls his eyes. "of course i did. everybody knows. you think you're so fucking smooth, so careful, but you're not. i know how you feel about oli and josh. i know you got off on my little story that night. did you wish that was you? don't answer that. i know you did."

vic stares at him in stunned silence. he feels like he's going to throw up if he hears anymore. he can't recognize the person sitting on the bed in front of him. this isn't his kellin. this isn't the kind, and gentle boy he grew up with.

vic's knees threaten to give out but he doesn't let them. all he wants to do is fall to the floor, crawl away and hide himself until everything disappears; kellin, and his vicious words and everything else in between. but he can't.

"i love you." vic whimpers. "why are you saying all these things to me? why are you trying to hurt me? all i've ever done is love you and stand by your side."

"you're such a child, vic." kellin sneers. "you're so naïve. so innocent, but not in the good way. when we were younger, i used to look up to you, but now... now i don't. just because you love me, doesn't change anything. the fact that you love me is the whole problem."

vic stares at him. he knows that some of what kellin is saying is true. he is naïve. he loves kellin so much, but he's being silly with his feelings.

"i think... i don't think we should see each other for a while." vic says finally. he knows it's what he needs right now. he needs the distance he's never had before.

but kellin rolls his eyes. "you want a break? really? how about we just end it altogether?"

"what?" vic exclaims, because no, that's not what he wants. he just needs some time.

"we're done, vic." kellin says, and he doesn't even flinch. he doesn't even look affected at all, and that's what hurts the most.

"fine," vic chokes out, because he knows he's fighting a losing battle here. "but when i come back, i want you gone."

he runs out of the room before he breaks down and cries even more. he wants to at least have his pride left.

as he leaves, there's a dull ache in his chest. he hates this feeling, the way a chill spreads all throughout his body, leaving him cold and numb. numb, but not quite enough.

it's like his whole world has ended, disappeared and thrown him into the unknown.

he's just ended a friendship of eight years, and he's never felt more empty.


End file.
